First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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