ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
