k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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