I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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