mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize