did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
