I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Randomize
