I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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