Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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