you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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