Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
