Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
