good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
