I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
