i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
