franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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