Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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