tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
