I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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