3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
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