My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
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