Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
