I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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