Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
