Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
