I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
