Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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