There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
