i just made my gag reflex go away.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
