3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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