My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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