my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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