You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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