I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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