got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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