She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
