I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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