I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
