Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
love how google fills in search terms for you, today for example, i ran a query for "why do girls get t"
and google finished it w/ "ramp stamps."
I felt less weird knowing others had searched this before me.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
