This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
