just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Randomize
