his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
