My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
