He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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