Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize