the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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