Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
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