i just had sex bonerless
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
This toilet bowl is my home.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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