My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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