maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
