Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
