he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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