She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
