New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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