Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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