I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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