dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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